Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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