I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
