I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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