It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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