so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
do herpes really smell.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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