nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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