So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
