It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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