last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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