she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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