Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
