Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
