I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
