I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just want nice things and good sex
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
