I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize