I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
