College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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