your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
