HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
