This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
