it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
