you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
this boner is exhausting
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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