if you like me you must not know who I am
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
