I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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