how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
