The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
