fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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