I don't usually arrange sex via text message
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
