sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
