he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize
