the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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