i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
