Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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