did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
