i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
