We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
