I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
