I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
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We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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