I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
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Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
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Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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