Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
