at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
