Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
