it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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