At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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