this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
