If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
