I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Randomize
