I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Who died my cat blue again?
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