Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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