highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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