i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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