Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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