Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
