I can text with my tongue
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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