guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
