u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
