Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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