1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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